decided to post this here also so i would have a record of my thoughts regarding my Mom's final days...
it's been almost 2 months since my mom was promoted to glory. friends are always asking me how i'm doing and sometimes i find it hard to answer. a few days ago, a friend from college asked me in an email how i was doing. after waiting a couple days to respond, i sent her the following reply: "i'm actually doing OK -- thanks for asking. there are moments when i think about my mom that make me cry, but it's not an overwhelming grief. just a sadness that she could still be here, if only... but, i know that God's ways are beyond our comprehension and maybe if my mom had lived a little longer, she might not have gone as peacefully as she did. even in a coma, her testimony still shone through as many people told us that they had never seen a person in a coma with such a serene expression on her face. i miss the intangibles -- how she was just in the apartment below us, how she performed her duties and responsibilities in the seminary and the church with such excellence, her laughter, how she loved plants & animals... those are what make me tear up... but, other than that, i'm really doing OK. it helps to be super-busy! i really thank God for being made to plunge into taking her place as soon as the burial was over... but, if i'd had my druthers..."
when i think back on that first text message from ptr manny llamera that said my mom was back in emergency, i really didn't realize just how dire her situation was. during her hospitalization in 2008, she also was in a coma for several hours but the medical staff were able to bring her back. i think that i believed back in december that they would, once again, bring her back to us. even after i saw her in the hospital, hooked up to all the machines that were keeping her alive, it still didn't really register. it was only after i spoke with the neurologist and after the brain scan results came back that it finally hit me that my mom's condition was irreversible. but, there was always a part of me that prayed for a miracle. i believe that God can STILL perform miracles today, if He so chooses. up until she took her last breath, there was still a part of me that thought she would open her eyes, look at us and say, "why am i here again?"
my mom's cardiologist asked me if everyone had said their goodbyes. she encouraged us to tell everyone in the family to call and talk to my mom, to tell her that we loved her and that we would be OK even after she was gone. all my kids called almost immediately, even though i know it was hard for them since they were half way around the world from her. i contacted my mom's sisters who called and told her to get well and that they were praying for her. they had no idea that she had very little brain activity and only the machines were keeping her alive. but, they meant well and i really appreciated their willingness to show their love to their eldest sister. even after everyone who wanted and needed to say goodbye to her had called, still she hung on. it was really like she was waiting for someone else. i thought it was my nephew kyle. later on, i found out that he was having difficulty getting through, but i know that my mom would have understood and she probably knew he was making the effort to reach her one more time.
when the end finally came, it was still so unexpected. although the doctors told us that that day might be her last, we were still hopeful because her heart rate was strong although her blood pressure was lower than they would have liked. a younger sister whom i have never met FINALLY got through to the hospital. i held the phone to my mom's ear and after a minute or two, asked my aunt if she was finished talking. she said yes and i thanked her for calling and hung up the phone. later on, i found that this aunt and my mom had not seen each other for more than 50 years!!
however, during the call, unbeknownst to me, because i had my back to her heart monitor, my mom's heart rate suddenly dropped down to 40-something. this caused the midwife, who had just that day started taking care of my mom, to take a sharp breath. after the call ended, she checked my mom's chest and it was very still. and just like that, my mom was taken by angels to her heavenly home and welcomed personally inside those pearly gates by her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. honestly, it didn't really register with me that she was already gone. she just went so peacefully! throughout her 19 days in the hospital, she never once lost the look of peace and serenity on her face. everyone who visited her, especially her doctors, commented that they have never seen anyone in her condition look so peaceful! remembering that look has brought me much comfort because i know that it was all of God that she was peaceful. she was ready to go. she had been ready in 2008 when she had her last asthma attack. however, God gave her one more year and then, in 2010, He said, "Marge, it's really time for you to come home."
God's timing and His ways are REALLY BEYOND all comprehension. i won't lie -- i would give anything to have her still here with us! i really thought she would be around for her 90th birthday -- we always thought she was such a strong woman!! there are so many things i wish i had done that might have helped keep her with us a little longer. but, i have to rest in the fact that GOD had my mom's days numbered from the very beginning of her life and He knew that she would be in heaven 27 days before her 80th birthday.
oh, i know i'll have many more moments of sadness and many tears will be shed because it's so hard to lose your mother. but i KNOW i will see her again someday and that keeps me grounded, keeps me moving forward, keeps me focused on the ministry here in cebu that she helped start with my dad. i know she would want me to pick up the baton, continue the work that she did with such efficiency and excellence, and run the race until it's my turn for the Lord to call me home.
