The Five Love Languages

The following is what I will be sharing with the women from Ptr Henry Trocino's church tomorrow afternoon (Saturday, October 25).

This is especially for Darla Ebert who asked to see my notes for this talk... Thanks for your prayers, Darla!!

INTRODUCTION
First of all, I would like to express my appreciation for this privilege to share with you what I’ve learned from my study of the Five Love Languages. It is my prayer that what will be discussed here today will be useful and helpful to you as you travel this road called marriage and as you try to be the wife that God intended you to be.

HAVE SEVERAL WOMEN READ I CORINTHIANS 13
I’m sure all of us know that I Corinthians 13 is called the LOVE chapter. The characteristics of love mentioned in this chapter are what ALL of us should attempt to achieve in all our relationships.

Love, as we are all deeply aware, is essential to our emotional, physical & spiritual well-being. At the heart of our existence is the desire to be intimate and loved by someone. In marriage, the relationship should be defined by love and intimacy which is God’s original intent when He created the institution of marriage in the garden of Eden. To be loved by one’s spouse is of utmost importance in marriage. That emotional need for love is our deepest emotional need. And when that need is being met, we tend to respond positively to the person who is meeting that need.

Because we are so different from each other, after only a very short period of time into our marriage, we find out that there are things about our husband that we don’t like. There might be characteristics that he displayed when you were courting that he rarely, if ever, shows or which seem to have vanished entirely. Maybe before marriage, he was always bringing you gifts – tokens of his love – but now, you have to remind him to remember your birthday or anniversary.

Maybe he used to like to sit and listen to you talk about what’s happening in your life and it didn’t matter how inconsequential it was, he would sit there and take it all in, maybe hold your hand, and you loved that he was such a great listener! It made you fall even more deeply in love with him. But now, he barely responds when you ask him a question or shares with you what’s happening in the deepest part of his soul. Or if he does respond, it’s maybe just a grunt…! Slowly, you find yourself wondering if this is the same man you fell in love with… You wonder where that lovely, loving man who swept you off your feet has gone to and you despair that he may never come back!!

Dr Gary Chapman, the author of “Five Love Languages,” says that all these concerns can be dealt with and resolved if we learn each other’s love language. Dr Chapman believes that the love you have for each other that was there at the start of your marriage hasn’t necessarily disappeared. You just have to find out how to resurrect it! Dr Chapman says that what will help restore a marriage is learning how to fill each other’s love tank.

Let’s take a quick test and see if any of this applies to your marriage right now or in the past:
1. Our love is gone
2. For all intents and purposes, our relationship is dead
3. We live in the same house but we’re more like roommates, not husband and wife
4. I don’t enjoy being with him anymore
5. We don’t meet each other’s needs.
If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, your love tank is probably running on empty right now.

From his more than 30 years of research and counseling, Dr Chapman came up with the 5 LL. Once you learn your husband’s primary LL and he learns yours, you will be able to fill each other’s emotional love tank so that your marriage can be restored and reborn. Dr Chapman is confident that choosing to love your spouse and expressing love in your spouse’s primary LL can drastically change your marriage for the better.
So, let’s dive right in to the 5LL!!

LL #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
When I completed the profile for wives that you took at the beginning of our meeting, my score in this LL was 6.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

If this is your husband’s primary LL, loving him with words of affirmation is a powerful love indicator. Words of affirmation achieve the following:
1. Build up your spouse. This affirms his self-worth. For someone whose primary LL is WofA, when they receive affirming words, they are more likely to reciprocate and do something that you desire!
2. Creates intimacy
3. Heals wounds
4. Brings out your husband’s full potential

There are also Dialects for Words of Affirmation and they include:
1. Encouraging words. This will help your spouse overcome his insecurities.
2. Verbal compliments. Give these freely (and honestly!) when your husband is present and even when he’s not.
3. Empathy. This is seeing the world or his specific situation through HIS eyes.
4. Giving credit and praise
5. Kind words. Say “I love you” with tenderness. Remember, “a soft answer turns away wrath.”
6. Words of appreciation. For example, thank him for being a good provider, for paying the bills on time, for driving the kids to school and picking them up.
7. Humble words. These affirm his worth and abilities.

On the negative side, here are some things that you mustn’t do, if Words of Affirmation is your husband’s primary LL:
8. Don’t keep score of wrongs done to you.
9. Don’t bring up past failures. Learn to accept them as “the past” and move on.
10. Don’t demand! Demands diminish intimacy.

TIPS for LL#1:
1. To help you learn to speak this LL, start a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation” on which to record creative and awesome ways to build up your husband with Words of Affirmation.
2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your husband each day. At the end of the week, sit down with your husband and review your record and get his feedback.
3. Set a goal to give your husband a different compliment each day for one month. You may want to record these compliments, so you will not duplicate the statements!
4. Compliment your husband in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your husband will feel loved and his parents will feel lucky to have such a great daughter-in-law! 5. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell him how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are he will work hard to live up to his reputation.
6. If you find speaking “Words of Affirmation” is difficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cue card if you must. Remember: words are important to someone whose primary LL is Words of Affirmation!

LL #2: QUALITY TIME
On the profile, I scored 7 on this love language.

Spending quality time together communicates that we truly care for and enjoy each other. Giving undivided attention to your husband shows that you’re willing to give your life to him. Quality time is another powerful communicator of love. Someone with QT as his primary LL will not be secure if this LL is not spoken.

The central aspect of Quality Time is togetherness: doing something together and giving your husband your full attention when you’re together.

Another aspect of Quality Time is quality conversation – sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings. The common complaint from wives that “he doesn’t talk to me” means that the husband doesn’t take part in sympathetic dialogue. In other words, he is not revealing himself and for us wives, we NEED our husbands to reveal themselves to us!

Someone with Quality Time as his primary LL focuses on what he’s hearing from the wife, therefore, if Quality Time is your husband’s primary LL, you need to learn to listen.

Really listening involves: maintaining eye contact. It also means that you aren’t doing something else while he’s talking because that communicates to him that you don’t really care to hear what he’s saying. Really listening to your husband means that you need to listen for the feelings, you listen sympathetically, you must observe his body language and you DO NOT interrupt!!

Someone with Quality Time as his primary LL will appreciate it when you suggest activities that will help create memories for the 2 of you and for your family.

TIPS for LL#2:
1. Ask your husband for a list of 5 activities that he would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next 5 months.
2. Think of an activity your husband enjoys but which brings little pleasure to you. Tell your husband that you are trying to broaden your horizons and would like to join him in this activity. Set a date and give it your best effort.
3. Make time each day to share with each other some of the events of the day.


LL#3: RECEIVING GIFTS
I was shocked to find out that I scored ZERO for this love language!! It’s not that I don’t like to receive gifts because I do, but ZERO? Maybe I’ll write Dr Chapman and ask him if this is normal…!!

Gift giving is fundamental to love. This is also one of the easiest love language to learn. In many respects, it’s a no brainer. You’re only limited by your creativity and possibly money…

Gifts are visual symbols of love, whether they are items you purchased or items that you personally made. Gifts demonstrate that you care. They represent the value that you place on your relationship. Gifts show your husband that you are thinking of him. Gifts can and should be given anytime. If this is your husband’s primary LL, don’t wait for a special occasion to give him a gift.

You can also give the gift of your presence. Your physical presence during your husband’s time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give him. The gift of yourself, however, means more than just your physical presence. It could actually be as simple as attempting for one week to share at least one important event or feeling in your day with your husband. Ask your husband to do the same with you.

To help you learn this LL, make a list of the gifts your husband has especially appreciated in the past. Also seek input from others who know his tastes. Then, decide to give one token of love, however small, each week for the next month, that is in line with those preferences.

MORE TIPS for LL#3:
1. Try a parade of gifts: have merienda delivered to him mid-morning and midafternoon, and in the evening, give him a new shirt or the latest copy of a magazine that he likes to read. When he asks you, “What’s going on?” respond with “Just trying to fill your love tank!”
2. Make a gift for your spouse. A handmade gift often becomes a family heirloom.
3. Keep a “Gift Idea” notebook. Every time you hear your husband say, “I really like that!” write it down in your notebook. Listen carefully and you will acquire a nice list that will serve as a guide the next time you get ready to select a gift.

LL#4: ACTS OF SERVICE
I had the highest score with this LL = a 9!! This is my primary LL and I really struggled with my husband over this because, for most of our married life, he refused to do things around the house that needed to be done. It became even more of a sore point with me when we moved to the States and I had no more maids to help keep things tidy. For many years, he rarely took out the garbage at night. He even more rarely washed dishes when I was too tired to do them. He always responded that washing dishes and cleaning house is women’s work. And yet, I was working full-time, taking care of the kids, driving them to and from school, running family errands, then I had to come home, cook dinner and clean house before falling into bed exhausted. Needless to say, for MANY years, my love tank was almost always on empty and I really resented him and came close to hating him many times during our marriage.

Fast forward to now and he’s totally different because he realizes that my LL is acts of service and when he helps me, I am able to respond with words of affirmation – his primary LL – which could lead to his secondary LL which is physical touch. But more on that later…

If your husband’s primary LL is Acts of service, doing what you don’t want to do because you know your husband will feel loved when you do it is the primary motivation with this LL. Here’s a hint: If you really want to serve your husband, you need to do things for him the way he would want it done, not the way you think it should be done.

It’s important to remember also that these acts of service should not be demanded. As mentioned earlier, demands tear apart and do not create intimacy.

To discover if Acts of Service is your husband’s or your primary LL, remember this: people tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they have the deepest emotional need. Criticism, however, is an ineffective way of pleading for love. We should also NOT manipulate by guilt – saying, “If you really love me, you’ll do such and such.” And, we should not coerce by fear – saying “You’ll do this or you’ll be sorry… Those are certainly not very loving words.

Dr Chapman believes that criticism of your spouse’s failure to do things for you may be a sure indication that acts of service is your primary LL. This was very true for me!

Remember also that for someone whose primary LL is acts of service, “little things” really DO mean a lot!

TIPS for LL#4:
1. Make a list of all the requests your husband has made of you over the past few weeks. Select one of these each week and do it as an expression of love. Surprise your husband by doing them without being asked.
2. If you struggle with stereotypes like my husband did when he refused to help around the house because it’s “women’s work,” be willing to discuss these ingrained attitudes with your husband to see where these ideas come from and look at your own expectations in this area.
3. Ask your spouse for a list of 10 things he would like for you to do during the next month. Then, ask your husband to prioritize them from 1 to 10, with 1 being the most important and 10 the least important. Use this list to plan your strategy for a month of love. Get ready to live with a happy husband!


LL#5: PHYSICAL TOUCH
For this LL, my score was 7 which tied with Quality Time.

Maybe you've heard the expression: “To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally.”

Physical touch, as a gesture of love, reaches to the depths of our being. As a LL, it is a powerful form of communication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss. Physical touch means security to someone who has this as their primary LL.

If your husband has physical touch as his primary LL, he emotionally yearns for his wife to reach out and touch him physically because these are his emotional lifelines. It is important, however, to learn what kinds of touches convey love to him.

Explicit love touches include massage, sexual foreplay and sexual intercourse. Implicit love touches are the hand on his shoulder; rubbing up against him when you pass by; holding hands; kissing; hugs.

During times of crisis, touch is very important. Holding someone when they cry will be long remembered. But if you failed to be there for him during his time of need, it will never be forgotten.

Many men, when asked which of the 5 LL is their primary LL, will probably say “Physical Touch.” But, according to Dr Chapman, if a man only wants sexual intercourse but doesn’t enjoy physical touch at other times and in nonsexual ways, Physical Touch may not be his primary LL at all.

For my husband, Words of Affirmation is his primary LL. And when I fill his need for love with Words of Affirmation, then it’s easy to move on to his 2nd LL, physical touch.

TIPS for LL#5:
1. Discuss with your husband what types of touching both of you find pleasurable.
2. Make a list of all the circumstances, locations and types of appropriate touch that will enhance your physical relationship. For example, how do you want/expect to be greeted at the end of the workday? What about touching in public? If you each feel differently, come to a compromise resolution.
3. You could try holding hands when you pray
4. Walk up to your husband and say, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” Hug him while you rub his back and say, “You’re the greatest!” If he asks why, say, “Just trying to fill your love tank!”
5. When family or friends are visiting, touch your husband in their presence. A hug, running your hand along his arm, putting your arm around his as you stand talking, or simply placing your hand on his shoulder can earn double emotional points. These gestures say, “Even with all these people around, I still see you.”

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Let’s talk about how you can discover YOUR primary LL. Your answers to the following questions will provide valuable clues on what your primary LL is:
1. What do you request the most from your husband?
2. What makes you feel the most loved?
3. What do you desire most of all?
4. What does your husband do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?
· If critical, judgmental words hurt, your primary LL is words of affirmation.
· If you are hurt because your husband doesn’t help with things around the house, your primary LL is acts of service.
· If you are hurt because your husband doesn’t give you gift, your primary LL is receiving gifts.
· If your deepest hurt is that your husband seldom spends time with you, then quality time is your primary LL.
· If you are hurt because your husband rarely hugs, holds your hand or kisses you, then physical touch is your primary LL.

Another way to discover your primary LL is to look back on your marriage and ask, “What have I most often requested of my husband?”

Still another way is to examine what you do or say to express love to your husband. Chances are what you are doing is what YOU wish your husband would do for you!

WWJD? ... LOVE IS A CHOICE
OK. You might be saying, “Well, this is all fine and dandy for those whose marriage can be salvaged. But my situation is really bad.” Maybe you’ve been physically and/or verbally abused. Maybe your husband has had an affair or is having an affair. What are you to do in this situation?
No matter how bad your personal situation is, there is always hope, as long as we are willing to rely on the Lord to help us love those who are unloving to us. We can decide to meet our husband’s emotional need because he's possibly acting in these unloving ways because his love tank is also empty. We can decide to do what we can to make our husband feel secure because that is what Jesus would have us do! We must be willing to be humble ourselves and serve the other, even in the midst of rejection.

So, if your marriage is in serious trouble right now. If you’re being mistreated or abused, it IS hard to express positive feelings toward your husband because you can only express pain.

However, positive actions are based on CHOICE, not feelings.

If this is your situation, Dr Chapman suggests doing the following:
1. Ask how you can be a better wife, and regardless of your husband’s attitude, act on what he tells you. Assure your husband that your motives are pure.
2. When you receive positive feedback from your husband, you will know that there is progress. Each month, make one non-threatening but specific request that is easy for your husband. Make sure, however, that that request relates to your primary LL so it will help replenish your empty love tank.
3. When your spouse responds and meets your need, you will be able to react more positively and therefore affirm your husband at these times.
4. As your marriage begins to truly heal, don’t stop speaking your husband’s LL. Continue to meet his daily needs so that he, in turn, will meet yours and thus fill your love tank.
5. Don’t be afraid to ask for prayer and help to stay the course and do what you can to save your marriage. That’s really what Jesus would want us to do.

CONCLUSION
We’ve covered A LOT of material today that I hope gives you the information necessary to have a wonderful, loving relationship with your husband. But, I don’t want you to be deluded into thinking that things are going to go smoothly from now on just because you’ve discovered YOUR LL and your husband’s. It can’t be smooth sailing because we’re only human. Even if we want to be loving 100% of the time, we can’t because of our sinful human nature.

If you’re a Christian, if you’re a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, you have help from the Lord Himself and the Holy Spirit to help you to be more loving, to love as Jesus loved.

The example of true love because we want to benefit the other person is illustrated in John 13:5, 12-17. This is the incident in the Bible where Jesus washed the feet of His disciples.
"In a culture where people wore sandals and walked on dirt streets, it was customary for the servant of the household to wash the feet of guests as they arrived. Jesus, who had instructed His disciples to love one another, gave them an example of how to express that love when He took a basin and a towel and proceeded to wash their feet. After that simple expression of love, Jesus encouraged His disciples to follow His example."

However, if you don’t have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus, if you have not asked Him to be Lord of your life so that you can have that true spirit of loving your husband, it’s not too late to make that decision. You can do that right now.


(Ptr Henry Trocino to lead in closing prayer)