WOW!! this article was SPOT ON!! yeah, i wish i'd known all this before we returned to the States in 2012. (especially #7!!) but, then... we had NO IDEA when we left Cebu in October 2012 for what was supposed to be a short vacation to visit our kids and grandkids, that we would not return, that we would be ORDERED NOT to return for reasons that were made up and out and out lies... but, through it all, God has been faithful and we've survived and are even better and stronger because we have survived and come out on the other side of what was a very painful experience!!

To all of you who have recently returned after living overseas, you have a special place in my heart because not too long ago, I was walking in your shoes.  So here it is…my letter to those returning from the field to tell you what I wish someone had told me when I first returned.

8 Things I wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Moved Back After Living Overseas

1)  “I am sorry.”

I am sorry that this next season of your life is going to be a really hard one!  {I could say it in a nicer way…but I don’t think it will help to sugar coat it}.  Maybe not for everyone, but for most people who’ve lived overseas, moving back to their home country is the hardest part of the whole experience {yes, even harder then dealing with the crazy aspects of living in another country}.

I am very sorry that you are finding yourself in this season because it is a hard journey.  Not a journey that many people will understand, and not a journey I would wish on someone {but a journey that I am thankful for…now a few years down the road}.

I tell you this because I wish someone had told me that it is normal for the transition to be very hard.  I wasn’t going crazy.  Other people have found moving back to the US after living overseas to be quite a challenge too. 

I am also sorry for the hard things you are bringing back that others may not be saying I’m sorry for.  I want to take a minute to acknowledge some of those things.  You are not alone in this journey even if you feel like it.

• I am sorry for the grief of leaving all the aspects of your life as it has been.
• I am sorry for the loneliness you may feel for a while.
• I am sorry for the days you have to watch your kids sort out the confusion of reentry.
• I am sorry for the stories you would love to share but don’t get too because few people will sit and listen long enough, or they are stories that might be misunderstood in your new context.
• I am sorry for the loss of friendships overseas…and the loss again in the states as you realize that old friendships may not return to what they were.
• I am sorry if you feel like you church or supporters or agency have forgotten about you now that you are no longer living overseas.
• I am sorry for the days when you feel like you’ve gone from having an amazing job that makes a difference in the world to not knowing what you are supposed to do next.
• I am sorry if you feel like you are trying to clean up a mess someone else has made in your life.
• I am sorry for the hard things that may have happened overseas.  The things you aren’t sure how to talk about.  The things you aren’t sure what to make of.  I am sorry for the complicated and painful parts of your story that may not have a perfect ending.
• I am sorry if you’d really rather not be in the states, but are finding yourself here anyways.
• I am sorry for the way your emotional and mental health may be affected by reentry.
• I am sorry for the things you left unfinished and for the part of you that is still in another country.
• I am sorry if God seems very far away and your faith feels out of whack in this new reality.
• I am sorry for all the moments of awkwardness and confusing as you sort out your identity.

I am sorry for the hard season you find yourself in, but there is hope.  You may someday wake up and find that this season has had moments you are thankful for.

2)  This season is not forever.

I know it may feel that way, but hang in there.  Give it time.  How much time?  I wish I could tell you.  It’s different for everyone, but it will take longer then you would like it to.  For a long while, I felt like I wasn’t overseas that long so why is this so hard.  So whether you define short as six months or three years, it can take longer than you think it will to feel like you are in a place of thriving and not just surviving.

If there is one thing I would say about re-entry it is:  you can’t rush it.  You just have to keep living each day {even when they seem very boring and unexciting} and pursing growth and healing…and eventually {a very long eventually} you will wake up in a different place.  Trust in the power of time {as long as you are pursing growth and healing}.  It really can work miracles.  I wish someone had told me it would take 5+ years for me to feel like I was back to a place of emotionally thriving.  I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself to speed up the process.

3) You are grieving.

Make a list of all the things you’ve recently lost or given up in the last year.  It’s probably a long one.  Grief is confusing and unpredictable.  One day you are doing great, the next day you are crying because you can’t figure out how to load a dishwasher or operate a soda machine in a restaurant in the US.  Grief is not fun to live through, but it does eventually become less.  I wish someone had told me to talk to people who have recently experienced grief about their experience.  As I’ve done this, I’ve realized that we have some similarities in our journey.  I wish someone had told me sooner that I needed to give myself permission to grieve even if I wanted to jump over that process {which I found you really can’t do…the grief shows up in all kinds of random ways anyways}.  Chances are those around you will not be making room for you to grieve.  They will have moved on, and assumed you have too, but make time and space for appropriately grieving what you’ve lost.  It may be hard, but it will help.

4) Give yourself permission to just be.

I know that for a long time people have looked to you as the person who’s supposed to have it figured out.  Here is permission to not have your whole life figured out in one week or one month or even two years.  Here is permission to just survive for a while.  Here is permission to just do what you are able for today.  Here is permission to celebrate the little accomplishments {even if they don’t seem big to other people}.  Here is permission to not have all the answers about what happened overseas or what you are doing next.  Here is permission to take a season focused on recovery and not on serving.  Here is permission to just be yourself {even if it is a messy and confused you}.

I wish someone had told me that the answer to re-entry was not figuring out something to do that would give me a new identity {whether that looks like a job, a volunteer opportunity, a new church to attend, a field of study to pursue, the right neighborhood to live in} but rather just being myself in this new place.  I needed permission to just be for a while without the pressure to have a cool answer to the question “what’s new with you?” Here is permission for you to embrace living in the awkward and confusing season of you life.  Learning to be someone who is OK with living in the midst of the messiness of life is a powerful gift that re-entry can give you.

5)  Sometimes re-entry can affect your emotional and mental health.

If you find yourself experiencing emotions or dealing with depression or anxiety that you have never dealt with before, this is sometimes a part of the re-entry journey {not for everyone but for some}. I wish someone had told me that it’s not uncommon for expats in re-entry to find themselves dealing with burnout, depression, anxiety, PTSD or PTSD type symptoms, etc.  Stress has real physiological and emotional effects on our lives.  So, if you are feeling like your emotional and mental health seem a bit off kilter, you are not alone.  Perhaps you don’t feel like you’ve experienced anything all that traumatic that would warrant what you are feeling now, but the reality is that living internationally is a really high stress job, and it’s OK {and even good} to recognize that and bring the tools into your life that will help you build your resilience and process your experiences well.   I wish someone had told me that I was not out of the ordinary to be dealing with depression and PTSD type symptoms.  That I was not going crazy.  That this was only a season.  That I wasn’t doing something wrong that was causing me to feel this way.  That I didn’t need to feel ashamed {more about that in this blog post} that I was struggling.  That I was not less of a Christian because I was struggling.

I wish someone had given me permission to be proactive if I found myself struggling.  While it’s true that time is a great healer, some things don’t just get better over time.  Many expats in re-entry find themselves benefiting from some professional guidance.  So if you are struggling here is your permission to be proactive…GO…do it!  Whatever this looks like for you.  Find a counselor, psychiatrist, physician, mental health professional who can help you figure out what’s going on and equip you with the tools you need to work through how stress is currently affecting your life.  I wish someone had told me sooner that it’s OK to find a counselor.  {A little secret I’ve discovered since…most expats in re-entry I know have benefited from a good counselor.}

Sometimes we wonder: is what I’m experiencing normal re-entry stuff or is it more than that?  We wait to seek out a professional because we think maybe it will get better, maybe this is just reverse culture shock.  If you are wondering this, here is my suggestion:  make an appointment with a good counselor and ask them.  {here’s a directory of therapists who have experience working with expats in re-entry}  They will be able to talk about your symptoms and see what might be going on.  It’s better to err on the side of caution, and if you find out it’s just normal re-entry stuff then you will probably find tools to help with that too.

6) The re-entry season is an opportunity to connect with God in new ways.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve received from my re-entry journey is a deeper connection that I have formed with God through this complicated season.  Don’t let me paint a wrong picture, it has not been a nice warm journey with God all the time.  There have been some very rocky places, but sometimes when you can’t explain what’s going on inside of you to others…it leaves room for talking with Jesus about it {or yelling at Him on occasion}.  I wish someone had told me that it’s OK to be honest with God about whatever it is you are feeling.  {Someone actually did tell me this eventually, and it really did help}.  You may be really angry with Him or feeling really distant from Him.  That is OK.  Be honest with God.  He can take it.

I also wish someone had told me that your spiritual life may look different then it has before. You may for a season feel differently about your relationship with God.  You may feel distant.  You may feel a lack of excitement.  You may find that the ways you used to connect don’t help.  That’s OK.  I am so thankful for people in my life who encouraged me to find new ways to connect with God, and to give myself grace to just be who I was for a while.  I have also been amazed to sit back and watch as slowly, in subtle ways, over time, God has shown up for me in ways that I have needed.  And this is why I can say that I have now been able to connect with Him in a deeper way because in times of my life when not even I knew what I needed He has shown me in a little yet beautiful ways that I am not alone on this journey.

7) You may never understand exactly what happened on the field.

{This one is especially for those who are coming back after complicated situations}.  I know you would like to understand fully what happened, but I wish someone had told me that it may never all make sense. {I might have tried less to figure it out}.  You may never know why.  You may never know the answers to the what ifs.  You may never know what the effects of your ministry will be.  It’s OK to wrestle through your questions because they are good questions to ponder, but you probably won’t ever know all the answers.  Eventually it won’t matter so much.

Along with this, if you’ve had a complicated experience sometimes a challenging part of re-entry is the anxiety that comes with having to see people or places again who are connected to your former life overseas.  This is something I get asked about a lot:  “What do I do?  My former coworker is coming into town, and I just don’t know if I have the emotional energy to see them.”  It may not even be that you had a bad relationship with that person it’s just that it’s more then you can handle right now.  I wish someone had affirmed that it was OK to take some space from the people or things that are hard until you are ready.  If you can’t say no altogether, meet in a neutral place for a set amount of time.  Then you know what you are signing up for.

8)  You will not be the same person ever again.

That is a good thing!  I know it is hard today to see the good in all this, but one of the best things that someone did tell me when I first moved back was:  “There are things you will gain out of this season of your life that you can’t gain any other way.”  It is true.  Re-entry is hard.  But it has given me gifts that I wouldn’t exchange even if I could get out of living through that season of my life.  One day {in what will probably seem like forever from right now} you will wake up in a new place…realizing that you have gradually been sorting out your identity and working through and processing things.  And your hard work has paid off!

So…hang in there friend!  Good can come out of this complicated season.

http://www.rockyreentry.com/letter-returning-missionaries-wish-someone-told-first-moved-back-us/