This
morning I woke up to a text I’ve known for months was coming… It read, “the
divorce is done.”
Despite
the foreknowledge, the finality of those four simple words put an immediate
lump in my throat and an ache in my stomach
Today,
my parents’ marriage of 44 years is officially over. The rings have been
removed, the papers have been signed, the assets have been divided…
I’m
sure you saw it too, a few weeks ago our Facebook feeds were filled with posts
and comments about Lysa Terkeurst, from Proverbs 31 ministries,
failing marriage. My heart broke to learn that her
husband, Art, much like my own father toward my mother, was “repeatedly
unfaithful” to Lysa.
These
stories are not uncommon. Adultery is now so “normal” that it seems rare to
find a couple that hasn’t experienced it. Last February, Matt and I weren’t
able to get a date on Valentines’ Day and opted instead to go out the following
night. We were shocked by the crowds only to learn from our waiter that the day
before and the day after Valentine’s actually bring in far more money than the
holiday itself due to the overspending of men on their mistresses to make up
for the fact their wives got the ‘real day.’
Marriages
every day are ending and it is absolutely devastating.
But
I am more convinced than ever that adultery, lies, deceit, substance abuse,
hiding, blame shifting, anger, fighting…although each devastating in their own
way, are merely symptoms that point to the root problem underneath it all.
Soon
after I learned of my own father’s infidelity I also was told by one of my best
friends that she, too, had been cheating on her husband. Both describe similar
circumstances leading up to the affairs, both had felt-needs that seemingly
weren’t being met and both justified their actions based on their spouse’s
shortcomings. Throughout the past year and a half, the two stories have played
out side by side as both couples have had to choose how to respond to one
another.
One
couple’s marriage is ending today. The other couple’s marriage is thriving
today
How
can that be? What makes the difference? Both dealt with the same circumstances,
the same “problem…” yet why the polar opposite outcomes? It is not adultery
that tears apart marriages… it’s hardness of heart.
HARDNESS OF HEART IS THE ROOT OF ALL
FAILED MARRIAGES
Hardness
of heart is…
-lacking
genuine sorrow over sin.
-continuing
to go back again and again into temptation, lies and deceit.
-choosing
to think of yourself as most important.
-choosing
what’s best for you and not the other.
-the
small lies and huge lies that you convince yourself are not a big deal.
-being
unteachable.
-tearing
down with words.
-comparing
and contrasting your wrongs against the other and making the judgement that
“theirs is worse.”
-responding
with defensiveness.
-the
need to always be in control.
-waiting
for the other to say sorry first.
-demanding
the other change first.
-thinking
more of what you deserve instead of what you can give.
-focusing
more on being right than on becoming righteous.
-what
you can get out of someone instead of how you can invest in them.
-the
refusal to forgive.
-the
refusal to humble yourself to ask for forgiveness.
-saying
you forgive, but never letting go.
-asking
for forgiveness and then going back to do the same thing again.
-magnifying
the weaknesses and minimizing the strengths of the other, while magnifying the
strengths and minimizing the weaknesses of yourself.
-justifying
wrongful actions because they “started it first.”
-spending
more time trying to find an official clinical diagnosis to explain away their issues
than looking in the mirror to address your own.
-preserving
your own well-being at the expense of the other.
-reading
this list and thinking someone else should be reading this…
In
order for marriages to thrive, BOTH people need to guard with all diligence
against hardness of heart. It has no place in marriage, yet in big ways and in
small ways we let it creep in. This hardness often begins so subtly, with the
smallest acts of selfishness…but, left unchecked can grow to become a raging
fire of wrath, anger, hatred and bitterness.
We’ve
all heard that marriage is work. And now that Matt and I have been married for
over 15 years I can say I absolutely agree. But that work is far different than
I ever imagined and far more challenging than I thought it was during our
first few newlywed, starry-eyed years.
When I write that
marriage takes
work, I’m not talking about the occasional act of service of helping clean the house, going to get the car washed,
figuring out who takes the trash out or who cleans the toilets. I’m not talking
about the effort or time it takes to figure out how to get consistent date
nights, the challenges of figuring out how to raise kids together, working together
to decide on what kind of house to buy, figuring out work schedules, when/where
to vacation or even how often to visit the in-laws…
I’m
talking about grueling, gut wrenching, goes-against-everything-you-feel
work.
I’m
talking about choosing to daily lay down your life for another, looking for ways
to love, to pursue, and being relentless to leave no room for distance. This
kind of work is staying in conversations that are extremely difficult, learning
to have the self-control to know when to pause those conversations, and then
exercising the diligence to pick it back up again. I’m talking about constantly
thinking past what their mouth is saying to seek out what it is their heart
is saying. I’m talking about loving when the other is unlovable, and
respecting when the other is not respectable. This kind of work is being
exhausted from the day’s events yet still making time to be present, to
connect, to see, to listen, and to be a friend. It’s work to truly forgive and
it’s beyond challenging to continue to walk in that forgiveness again and again
refusing to hold onto past wrongs or hang them over their head.
It’s
work to see your spouse as a gift and to be diligent to treat them like
one…even when, or should I say, especially when, they don’t deserve it.
It’s
work to defer your own preferences, your own agenda and your own feelings in
order to pursue unity.
God
wants us to cultivate what we have been given. But in marriage the reality of
what we have been given is often far more challenging to cultivate than we ever
would have anticipated.
THERE IS PAIN BETWEEN EXPECTATION AND
REALITY
This
kind of work in marriage IS painful…yet it produces a bond that compares with
no other. It brings about character, joy, honor, patience, perseverance, and
maturity. Pressing on through the hardship of marriage not only binds two
people together in an indescribably beautiful scar-filled unity, but ultimately
sanctifies us and causes our lives to look more and more like Jesus.
Jesus,
while we were yet his enemies, laid down his life for our sake. We were
ransomed from our futility by his own blood and have been born again into a new
hope, a living hope, to be built up as living stones in honor of the one true
God. We are a people chosen for God’s possession, for obedience, and for His
glory.
Through
marriage we learn to love like Jesus does.
I
urge you, dear friend, if you find yourself reading this and you are not at
peace with your spouse…drop whatever you are doing and begin with prayer. What
is it you need to hear? Where is it you need to grow? What is it you need to
change? Ask the Lord to change your heart first.
Don’t
waste any time and don’t give any room for distance. If there is something you
need to confess, do it. If there is something you need to forgive, do it. Carve
out the time to pursue the hard conversations and ask God to give you ears
to hear past their spoken words.
Look
carefully for what might be deeper. Is there loneliness? fear? shame?
rejection? Ask God to give you a heart that seeks to truly listen, love,
repent, forgive, pursue, and serve first. Ask Him to fill you with all joy and
peace and to give you resolve to love like Jesus does.
Marriage
is for our good and for His glory. Let today be the day you soften your heart.
Proverbs 4:23–Keep your heart with all
vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 3:5–Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
Philippians 4:7–And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and
your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 4:18–They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the
life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.
1 John 3:16–By this we know love, that he laid down
his life for us, and we ought to lay down our
lives for the brothers.
**This
article originally appeared at www.MegMarieWallace.com
and was republished with permission.
