WOW!! this article was SPOT ON!! yeah, i wish i'd known all this before we returned to the States in 2012. (especially #7!!) but, then... we had NO IDEA when we left Cebu in October 2012 for what was supposed to be a short vacation to visit our kids and grandkids, that we would not return, that we would be ORDERED NOT to return for reasons that were made up and out and out lies... but, through it all, God has been faithful and we've survived and are even better and stronger because we have survived and come out on the other side of what was a very painful experience!!

To all of you who have recently returned after living overseas, you have a special place in my heart because not too long ago, I was walking in your shoes.  So here it is…my letter to those returning from the field to tell you what I wish someone had told me when I first returned.

8 Things I wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Moved Back After Living Overseas

1)  “I am sorry.”

I am sorry that this next season of your life is going to be a really hard one!  {I could say it in a nicer way…but I don’t think it will help to sugar coat it}.  Maybe not for everyone, but for most people who’ve lived overseas, moving back to their home country is the hardest part of the whole experience {yes, even harder then dealing with the crazy aspects of living in another country}.

I am very sorry that you are finding yourself in this season because it is a hard journey.  Not a journey that many people will understand, and not a journey I would wish on someone {but a journey that I am thankful for…now a few years down the road}.

I tell you this because I wish someone had told me that it is normal for the transition to be very hard.  I wasn’t going crazy.  Other people have found moving back to the US after living overseas to be quite a challenge too. 

I am also sorry for the hard things you are bringing back that others may not be saying I’m sorry for.  I want to take a minute to acknowledge some of those things.  You are not alone in this journey even if you feel like it.

• I am sorry for the grief of leaving all the aspects of your life as it has been.
• I am sorry for the loneliness you may feel for a while.
• I am sorry for the days you have to watch your kids sort out the confusion of reentry.
• I am sorry for the stories you would love to share but don’t get too because few people will sit and listen long enough, or they are stories that might be misunderstood in your new context.
• I am sorry for the loss of friendships overseas…and the loss again in the states as you realize that old friendships may not return to what they were.
• I am sorry if you feel like you church or supporters or agency have forgotten about you now that you are no longer living overseas.
• I am sorry for the days when you feel like you’ve gone from having an amazing job that makes a difference in the world to not knowing what you are supposed to do next.
• I am sorry if you feel like you are trying to clean up a mess someone else has made in your life.
• I am sorry for the hard things that may have happened overseas.  The things you aren’t sure how to talk about.  The things you aren’t sure what to make of.  I am sorry for the complicated and painful parts of your story that may not have a perfect ending.
• I am sorry if you’d really rather not be in the states, but are finding yourself here anyways.
• I am sorry for the way your emotional and mental health may be affected by reentry.
• I am sorry for the things you left unfinished and for the part of you that is still in another country.
• I am sorry if God seems very far away and your faith feels out of whack in this new reality.
• I am sorry for all the moments of awkwardness and confusing as you sort out your identity.

I am sorry for the hard season you find yourself in, but there is hope.  You may someday wake up and find that this season has had moments you are thankful for.

2)  This season is not forever.

I know it may feel that way, but hang in there.  Give it time.  How much time?  I wish I could tell you.  It’s different for everyone, but it will take longer then you would like it to.  For a long while, I felt like I wasn’t overseas that long so why is this so hard.  So whether you define short as six months or three years, it can take longer than you think it will to feel like you are in a place of thriving and not just surviving.

If there is one thing I would say about re-entry it is:  you can’t rush it.  You just have to keep living each day {even when they seem very boring and unexciting} and pursing growth and healing…and eventually {a very long eventually} you will wake up in a different place.  Trust in the power of time {as long as you are pursing growth and healing}.  It really can work miracles.  I wish someone had told me it would take 5+ years for me to feel like I was back to a place of emotionally thriving.  I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself to speed up the process.

3) You are grieving.

Make a list of all the things you’ve recently lost or given up in the last year.  It’s probably a long one.  Grief is confusing and unpredictable.  One day you are doing great, the next day you are crying because you can’t figure out how to load a dishwasher or operate a soda machine in a restaurant in the US.  Grief is not fun to live through, but it does eventually become less.  I wish someone had told me to talk to people who have recently experienced grief about their experience.  As I’ve done this, I’ve realized that we have some similarities in our journey.  I wish someone had told me sooner that I needed to give myself permission to grieve even if I wanted to jump over that process {which I found you really can’t do…the grief shows up in all kinds of random ways anyways}.  Chances are those around you will not be making room for you to grieve.  They will have moved on, and assumed you have too, but make time and space for appropriately grieving what you’ve lost.  It may be hard, but it will help.

4) Give yourself permission to just be.

I know that for a long time people have looked to you as the person who’s supposed to have it figured out.  Here is permission to not have your whole life figured out in one week or one month or even two years.  Here is permission to just survive for a while.  Here is permission to just do what you are able for today.  Here is permission to celebrate the little accomplishments {even if they don’t seem big to other people}.  Here is permission to not have all the answers about what happened overseas or what you are doing next.  Here is permission to take a season focused on recovery and not on serving.  Here is permission to just be yourself {even if it is a messy and confused you}.

I wish someone had told me that the answer to re-entry was not figuring out something to do that would give me a new identity {whether that looks like a job, a volunteer opportunity, a new church to attend, a field of study to pursue, the right neighborhood to live in} but rather just being myself in this new place.  I needed permission to just be for a while without the pressure to have a cool answer to the question “what’s new with you?” Here is permission for you to embrace living in the awkward and confusing season of you life.  Learning to be someone who is OK with living in the midst of the messiness of life is a powerful gift that re-entry can give you.

5)  Sometimes re-entry can affect your emotional and mental health.

If you find yourself experiencing emotions or dealing with depression or anxiety that you have never dealt with before, this is sometimes a part of the re-entry journey {not for everyone but for some}. I wish someone had told me that it’s not uncommon for expats in re-entry to find themselves dealing with burnout, depression, anxiety, PTSD or PTSD type symptoms, etc.  Stress has real physiological and emotional effects on our lives.  So, if you are feeling like your emotional and mental health seem a bit off kilter, you are not alone.  Perhaps you don’t feel like you’ve experienced anything all that traumatic that would warrant what you are feeling now, but the reality is that living internationally is a really high stress job, and it’s OK {and even good} to recognize that and bring the tools into your life that will help you build your resilience and process your experiences well.   I wish someone had told me that I was not out of the ordinary to be dealing with depression and PTSD type symptoms.  That I was not going crazy.  That this was only a season.  That I wasn’t doing something wrong that was causing me to feel this way.  That I didn’t need to feel ashamed {more about that in this blog post} that I was struggling.  That I was not less of a Christian because I was struggling.

I wish someone had given me permission to be proactive if I found myself struggling.  While it’s true that time is a great healer, some things don’t just get better over time.  Many expats in re-entry find themselves benefiting from some professional guidance.  So if you are struggling here is your permission to be proactive…GO…do it!  Whatever this looks like for you.  Find a counselor, psychiatrist, physician, mental health professional who can help you figure out what’s going on and equip you with the tools you need to work through how stress is currently affecting your life.  I wish someone had told me sooner that it’s OK to find a counselor.  {A little secret I’ve discovered since…most expats in re-entry I know have benefited from a good counselor.}

Sometimes we wonder: is what I’m experiencing normal re-entry stuff or is it more than that?  We wait to seek out a professional because we think maybe it will get better, maybe this is just reverse culture shock.  If you are wondering this, here is my suggestion:  make an appointment with a good counselor and ask them.  {here’s a directory of therapists who have experience working with expats in re-entry}  They will be able to talk about your symptoms and see what might be going on.  It’s better to err on the side of caution, and if you find out it’s just normal re-entry stuff then you will probably find tools to help with that too.

6) The re-entry season is an opportunity to connect with God in new ways.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve received from my re-entry journey is a deeper connection that I have formed with God through this complicated season.  Don’t let me paint a wrong picture, it has not been a nice warm journey with God all the time.  There have been some very rocky places, but sometimes when you can’t explain what’s going on inside of you to others…it leaves room for talking with Jesus about it {or yelling at Him on occasion}.  I wish someone had told me that it’s OK to be honest with God about whatever it is you are feeling.  {Someone actually did tell me this eventually, and it really did help}.  You may be really angry with Him or feeling really distant from Him.  That is OK.  Be honest with God.  He can take it.

I also wish someone had told me that your spiritual life may look different then it has before. You may for a season feel differently about your relationship with God.  You may feel distant.  You may feel a lack of excitement.  You may find that the ways you used to connect don’t help.  That’s OK.  I am so thankful for people in my life who encouraged me to find new ways to connect with God, and to give myself grace to just be who I was for a while.  I have also been amazed to sit back and watch as slowly, in subtle ways, over time, God has shown up for me in ways that I have needed.  And this is why I can say that I have now been able to connect with Him in a deeper way because in times of my life when not even I knew what I needed He has shown me in a little yet beautiful ways that I am not alone on this journey.

7) You may never understand exactly what happened on the field.

{This one is especially for those who are coming back after complicated situations}.  I know you would like to understand fully what happened, but I wish someone had told me that it may never all make sense. {I might have tried less to figure it out}.  You may never know why.  You may never know the answers to the what ifs.  You may never know what the effects of your ministry will be.  It’s OK to wrestle through your questions because they are good questions to ponder, but you probably won’t ever know all the answers.  Eventually it won’t matter so much.

Along with this, if you’ve had a complicated experience sometimes a challenging part of re-entry is the anxiety that comes with having to see people or places again who are connected to your former life overseas.  This is something I get asked about a lot:  “What do I do?  My former coworker is coming into town, and I just don’t know if I have the emotional energy to see them.”  It may not even be that you had a bad relationship with that person it’s just that it’s more then you can handle right now.  I wish someone had affirmed that it was OK to take some space from the people or things that are hard until you are ready.  If you can’t say no altogether, meet in a neutral place for a set amount of time.  Then you know what you are signing up for.

8)  You will not be the same person ever again.

That is a good thing!  I know it is hard today to see the good in all this, but one of the best things that someone did tell me when I first moved back was:  “There are things you will gain out of this season of your life that you can’t gain any other way.”  It is true.  Re-entry is hard.  But it has given me gifts that I wouldn’t exchange even if I could get out of living through that season of my life.  One day {in what will probably seem like forever from right now} you will wake up in a new place…realizing that you have gradually been sorting out your identity and working through and processing things.  And your hard work has paid off!

So…hang in there friend!  Good can come out of this complicated season.

http://www.rockyreentry.com/letter-returning-missionaries-wish-someone-told-first-moved-back-us/

just had to share this... thank you, Pastor Chuck!!

March 29, 2015

Expect the Unexpected

by Charles R. Swindoll

Psalm 8

Most folks I know like things to stay as they are. You've heard all the sayings that reveal our preference for the familiar: Leave well enough alone. I don't like surprises. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Stay with a sure thing.

We admire pioneers . . . so long as we can just read about them, not finance their journeys. We applaud explorers . . . but not if it means we have to load up and travel with them. Creative ideas are fine . . . but "don't get carried away," we warn. Plans that involve risks prompt worst-case scenarios from the lips of most who wait in the wings.

Don't misunderstand. Just because the plan is creative is no guarantee that stuff won't backfire. On the contrary, surprises and disappointments await anyone who ventures into the unknown.

But the fact is, the alternative is worse. Can anything be worse than boredom? Is there an existence less challenging and more draining than the predictable? I don't think so.

More importantly, God doesn't seem to think so either. As I read through the biblical accounts of His working in the lives of His people, the single thread that ties most of the stories together is the unexpected. Need some examples?

After aging Abraham finally got the son God had promised to him, after he cultivated a father-son bond closer than words could describe, after fixing his hopes on all that God had said He would do through that boy to whom Sarah gave birth, God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on the mountain.

Even though the prophet Hosea had lived righteously before his Lord and had been faithful to his wife, Gomer, she left their home and family and became a harlot in the streets of Israel. God's instructions? Go find her and remarry her.

When it came time for God to send His Son to earth, He did not send Him to the palace of some mighty king. He was conceived in the womb of an unwed mother—a virgin!—who lived in the lowly village of Nazareth.

In choosing those who would represent Christ and establish His church, God picked some of the most unusual individuals imaginable: unschooled fishermen, a tax collector(!), a mystic, a doubter, and a former Pharisee who had persecuted Christians. He continued to pick some very unusual persons down through the ages. In fact, He seems to delight in such surprising choices to this very day.

So, let God be God. Expect the unexpected.

God likes surprises. Breaking molds is His specialty.

Perfectionism... Blessing or Curse?

growing up, i learned very early on that nothing short of perfection was good enough for my Mom. now, i loved my Mom and she taught me many things that are still part of the way i live my life today. but, looking back, i see that her push for perfection in my life (or what i perceived was a constant push), made me both a fearful and a driven person. 

fearful because i wouldn't DO something unless i knew i could do it well. fearful because i hesitated or never asked questions for fear that i would be asking the wrong one or that i would be laughed at by my classmates/peers. of course, i know NOW that there is NO SUCH THING AS A WRONG QUESTION!! i just wish i'd known that when i was in elementary, high school and college...!

the other side of the coin -- and there is ALWAYS a second side -- was that it made me a driven person. if i have a project or an assignment, i will not stop -- not even to eat! -- until it's finished. and if the project isn't done to my liking, i will REDO everything until i get it perfectly right!! 

thinking back on the years when my children were younger, i see that i never pushed them to perfection... probably because i didn't want them to "suffer" like i did. but, i wonder if i did them a disservice by not pushing them harder... however, as i've been able to observe them these past 2 years that we've been living with each of them (at different times since late 2012), as adults, they are all doing well in their personal lives (from what i can see anyway!!) and i can see that they have inherited (if that's the correct term) the intensity of my Mom to pursue excellence in their chosen field of work. it's nice to see that even if i didn't push them as hard as my mom pushed me, they still turned out to have excellent work ethic and a sense of pride in their personal and career achievements. so, i'm a happy mother...

now, i just pray that my grandkids will also "inherit" the same desire to excel... i think they will... i can already see that in josiah, keilah and jonah...

TRUST...

until 2 years ago, i had never had to deal with this. so, it was very sad for me when things went south in our previous life and people who i thought were my friends but who had heard things that were said about me NEVER ONCE came to me to ask if what they had been told was true. NO ONE took the time or made the effort to ask my side of the issue. it was very hurtful and it took me a long time to recover from that sense of loss and betrayal.

but, 2 years later, i realize now that those people who i thought were my friends were really NOT. they were closer to the people who were saying those untrue and unkind things about me, so it makes sense that they would accept what was being said -- hook, line and sinker -- without coming to me to see if what they were hearing was true or not.

and, like the graphic below states so clearly, the absence of trust with regard to those people is like the wall of china for me. and that's because i don't need people like that in my life. they are TOXIC!! i will forever keep them at arm's length (or longer!) and will never trust them with anything having to do with my life ever again.

it's a sad reality, but that's just the way it's going to be from now on -- for me with them... they were never true friends to begin with and it's better that they are no longer in my life... 

WORDS OF WISDOM...

someone shared this on Facebook and i just had to re-post it here because this is really true!! and because i'm blessed to be married to someone who knows the importance of being there for me -- in sickness and in health!

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kevin A. Thompson's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

"In sickness and in health."

On two occasions I have said those words with the full confidence that the couple repeating those words actually knew what they meant.

The first occurrence brought a smile to my face. She had endured and marriage was her reward on the other side of illness. Together they have journeyed through the struggles of a serious disease as boyfriend and girlfriend. Now they would be husband and wife. They knew what "in sickness and in health" meant.

The second occurrence brought a tear to my eye. She had weeks to live. The vow renewal was his gift to her. I almost cut the words fearing they might be too painful. But with a crowd gathered I included them as a testimony to all who would hear them say, "in sickness and in health." They meant it and everyone knew it.

Few people consider sickness and suffering when picking a mate.

They consider how the other person might look in the morning or what bad habits they might have.

They consider what offspring they could produce or what extended family they might bring to the reunion.

Yet few people ever consider what is a vital question — can I suffer with this person?

It sounds like the beginning of another marriage joke, but it's not.

It's a real question and one which should be explored by every dating couple.

Suffering is a part of life.

And the older a person gets, the more we realize that suffering is not a rare occurrence, but is a common aspect of our lives.

Sorrow comes in many forms, yet it is guaranteed to come.

BEWARE: Not everyone suffers well.

Some live in denial — unable to confront the deep realities of life.

Some live in despair — unable to recognize the convergence of laughter and tears.

Few have the grace to suffer well.

Those who do suffer well are a well-spring of life and faith.

Who do you want holding your hand when the test says "cancer?"
On whose shoulder do you want to lean when the doctor says, "We've done all we can?"
With whom do you want to lay beside when you don't know where your child is or if they will ever come home?
When your world turns upside down, in whose eyes do you want to look?
Find someone who suffers well.
I know it doesn't seem important when life is perfect.

A beautiful smile is far more attractive than a quiet determination.

A common interest is far more appealing than internal strength.

Yet when life falls apart, you want someone you can run to, not someone you want to run from.

You want someone who believes in you.
You want someone who instills faith, not causes doubt.
You want someone who hopes no matter the circumstances.
In the Bible, Job's wife responded to his suffering by saying, "Curse God and die."
Had he not suffered enough?

Was life not difficult enough?

Enduring hardship was enough, yet Job was also forced to rebuke his wife during his time of struggle.

Life is hard enough; there is no need to make it harder.

Choosing a spouse who does not suffer well makes life harder.

It makes every grief stronger.

It makes every sorrow more painful.

It makes every hurt deeper.

Yet,

when our spouse knows how to suffer,

when they don't live in denial, but confront the sorrows of life,

when they don't live in despair but know how to laugh and cry at the same time,

when they offer support and hope in all of life's challenges,

when they can see the big picture of life,

then,

every grief is wedded to hope

every sorrow is matched with love

and every hurt is paired with healing.

One of the great guarantees of life is that every person, every couple, will suffer. When choosing a mate, choose someone who suffers well and you will never be sorry.

Kevin A. Thompson is Lead Pastor of Community Bible Church, a multi-site church in Fort Smith, AR. He currently writes a daily blog focusing on leadership, marriage, and parenting (specifically parenting a child with special needs). Along with his wife, Kevin is co-owner of JThompsonMMC, a full service media and marketing company based in Fort Smith. He is a graduate of Beeson Divinity School of Samford University and Oklahoma Baptist University.

EXPECTANCY

"Let us not be weary in doing the good..."

i wrote the email below to a dear friend who is also a pastor who's been getting somewhat frustrated with what's happening in the church. i re-read it again today and, i have to say, i even surprised myself at what i wrote!! it's because of that that i decided to put it here on my blog so i would remember these for myself for those times when i will also feel frustrated or upset or disappointed with the folks i am working alongside in the ministry. we should expect to be frustrated, upset, disappointed, but the point is NOT to let it deter us from the goal that the Lord has given to us -- whatever ministry we're in! it's important to keep our eyes fixed firmly on the Lord and Him alone, especially when it comes to the ministry!!

hi, ptr! when i received your messages about how you were feeling, i was very disturbed. i wrote my response a few days ago, but wanted to let it sit for awhile before sending it to you. i hope you will understand where i'm coming from because i'm very concerned.

the verse that sprung to mind when i first read your messages was Galatians 6:9 & 10--"And let us not be weary in doing the good: for in its own time we shall reap, by not fainting. As we therefore have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to the household of faith."

so, regarding what you wrote, here's what came to mind:
• we shouldn’t look at the people. instead, we should Look at the Lord.
• People will always disappoint.
• People will always be late to church.
• People will always have an excuse NOT to help with the work of the church.
• It’s always the same people who do ALL the work. Example: CE teachers who also help with VBS, year in and year out.
• We can’t force them to change. The desire has to come from within the person.
• SOLUTION: We need to educate our church folks.
• We need to encourage them when they DO help.
• We need to MAKE THEM CARE about their church and the ministry that’s been entrusted to them.
• There will always be people who are enthusiastic about the church’s ministry and the Lord’s work.
• There will always be people who are NOT.
• For those who are, THANK them for their dedication and commitment. Show them appreciation on a regular basis, not just once a year (at Christmas).
• But, we should NEVER allow the devil’s tools of discouragement, anger, and disillusionment get us off-track.
• The example of the Apostle Paul should be one we need to follow. He was single-minded in his ministry. Despite being imprisoned, tortured, laughed at, not believed, he never lost his focus. So, even if our church members lose their focus or don’t even have their focus on helping with the ministry, those of us who have this drive to do the Lord’s work must NEVER lose our focus! We need to keep working until either the Lord returns or He takes us home!
• When I start feeling sorry for myself because I feel like I’m doing ALL the work (a lie that the devil tries to convince me is the truth), I always have to remind myself that my job is NOT to earn the praise of men. It isn’t to bring glory to myself, but to return all the glory back to the Lord. I have to remind myself that I’m not here to please MEN, but to please God. My job here on earth is to BE FAITHFUL to the work that God has entrusted to me. When my focus is turned back on God where it rightly belongs, all those other issues and complaints about people who aren’t pulling their weight or helping with the ministry go away. And the joy that I need to have in order to do the Lord’s work properly will return.
• Despite the church backgrounds of the people attending our church, we should not hold that against them. Instead, we should EDUCATE them, TRAIN them, help them to WANT to be involved, to use their God-given gifts/talents to move the church forward.
• For me, as a pastor’s kid, I was in MANY churches starting from when I was still in the womb! The first church I remember becoming involved in was Caloocan Bible Church. Then, there was North Suburban Evangelical Free Church in Deerfield, IL (attender only). Then, back to Caloocan, followed by Lake Zurich Evangelical Free Church. There was EL Church-Pasadena, Pilipino Christian Church in Long Beach, Lake Avenue Congregational Church (attender only), EL Church-Forest Hills, back to EL Church-Pasadena, then now, Church of the Open Door (attender only).
• No matter what church I was at, the issues were the same: some people were very enthusiastic about being involved and others were not. Some were very lazy about their commitment to the Lord and His ministry; some were not. It’s really “the nature of the beast” because it all boils down to the sin nature that all human beings still carry with them. But, the desire to help the church NEEDS to come from their hearts; we can’t force it on them; we can’t make them do it! But, if they don’t have that desire, we should not allow it to deter or discourage us. We should just keep plugging along because we know it’s the right thing to do and it’s what will please God which should be our primary goal anyway.
• Remember also that we ALL come with BAGGAGE, whether it’s to a marriage, a friendship, and, most especially, to a CHURCH. NO ONE is exempt from baggage because that’s how life is. Therefore, we need to be more kind and understanding about the personal situation of our church members/ attenders.
• But, we must also remember that no matter how much we try to help someone care about being involved with the church’s ministry, that individual needs to come to that realization himself/herself. The issue is really between him/her and God. We do what we can but, in the end, it’s up to them to have that desire within themselves to be involved.
• We can also remind them of the Lord’s words in Matthew 9:37 & 38--"The harvest truly is great, but the workers are few; Pray therefore that the Lord of the harvest may send workers into his harvest."
• But, if, after all the encouragement and pleadings, they STILL don’t, we must NOT hold it against them. We should just pray for them and leave it up to the Lord.
• There’s nothing that will drive someone away from the church and even from the Lord than our condemnation or disapproval because we feel that they are not contributing to the ministry.
• Remember, only the LORD can place that desire in their hearts. If they resist His call, it’s their loss and they will have to answer to the Lord for that resistance/decision.

looking forward to discussing this more with you...