how can you say you're a Christian?

so, we've been here almost 2 years now and since taking over my mom's responsibilities at the church & with the ministry, i'm finding out some not-very-attractive characteristics of some of the people at the church here. and it really saddens me. i don't understand how people who call themselves Christians can be so catty, gossipy & mean to other Christians? watching them yesterday, i could only shake my head and mutter under my breath, "how childish!" unfortunately for me, some of these people report to me in one way or another, so i will eventually have to confront them about their less-than-Christlike actions.

much prayer is definitely needed for this type of situation...

how are you doing?

it's been almost 2 months since my mom was promoted to glory. friends are always asking me how i'm doing and sometimes i find it hard to answer. a few days ago, a friend from college asked me in an email how i was doing. after waiting a couple days to respond, i sent her the following reply: "i'm actually doing OK -- thanks for asking. there are moments when i think about my mom that make me cry, but it's not an overwhelming grief. just a sadness that she could still be here, if only... but, i know that God's ways are beyond our comprehension and maybe if my mom had lived a little longer, she might not have gone as peacefully as she did. even in a coma, her testimony still shone through as many people told us that they had never seen a person in a coma with such a serene expression on her face. i miss the intangibles -- how she was just in the apartment below us, how she performed her duties and responsibilities in the seminary and the church with such excellence, her laughter, how she loved plants & animals... those are what make me tear up... but, other than that, i'm really doing OK. it helps to be super-busy! i really thank God for being made to plunge into taking her place as soon as the burial was over... but, if i'd had my druthers..."

when i think back on that first text message from ptr manny llamera that said my mom was back in emergency, i really didn't realize just how dire her situation was. during her hospitalization in 2008, she also was in a coma for several hours but the medical staff were able to bring her back. i think that i believed back in december that they would, once again, bring her back to us. even after i saw her in the hospital, hooked up to all the machines that were keeping her alive, it still didn't really register. it was only after i spoke with the neurologist and after the brain scan results came back that it finally hit me that my mom's condition was irreversible. but, there was always a part of me that prayed for a miracle. i believe that God can STILL perform miracles today, if He so chooses. up until she took her last breath, there was still a part of me that thought she would open her eyes, look at us and say, "why am i here again?"

my mom's cardiologist asked me if everyone had said their goodbyes. she encouraged us to tell everyone in the family to call and talk to my mom, to tell her that we loved her and that we would be OK even after she was gone. all my kids called almost immediately, even though i know it was hard for them since they were half way around the world from her. i contacted my mom's sisters who called and told her to get well and that they were praying for her. they had no idea that she had very little brain activity and only the machines were keeping her alive. but, they meant well and i really appreciated their willingness to show their love to their eldest sister.

even after everyone who wanted and needed to say goodbye to her had called, still she hung on. it was really like she was waiting for someone else. i thought it was my nephew kyle. later on, i found out that he was having difficulty getting through, but i know that my mom would have understood and she probably knew he was making the effort to reach her one more time.

when the end finally came, it was still so unexpected. although the doctors told us that that day might be her last, we were still hopeful because her heart rate was strong although her blood pressure was lower than they would have liked. a younger sister whom i have never met FINALLY got through to the hospital. i held the phone to my mom's ear and after a minute or two, asked my aunt if she was finished talking. she said yes and i thanked her for calling and hung up the phone. later on, i found that this aunt and my mom had not seen each other for more than 50 years!!

however, during the call, unbeknownst to me, because i had my back to her heart monitor, my mom's heart rate suddenly dropped down to 40-something. this caused the midwife, who had just that day started taking care of my mom, to take a sharp breath. after the call ended, she checked my mom's chest and it was very still. and just like that, my mom was taken by angels to her heavenly home and welcomed personally inside those pearly gates by her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

honestly, it didn't really register with me that she was already gone. she just went so peacefully! throughout her 19 days in the hospital, she never once lost the look of peace and serenity on her face. everyone who visited her, especially her doctors, commented that they have never seen anyone in her condition look so peaceful! remembering that look has brought me much comfort because i know that it was all of God that she was peaceful. she was ready to go. she had been ready in 2008 when she had her last asthma attack. however, God gave her one more year and then He said, "Marge, it's really time for you to come home."

God's timing and His ways are REALLY BEYOND all comprehension. i won't lie -- i would give anything to have her still here with us! i really thought she would be around for her 90th birthday -- we always thought she was such a strong woman!! there are so many things i wish i had done that might have helped keep her with us a little longer. but, i have to rest in the fact that GOD had my mom's days numbered from the very beginning of her life and He knew that she would be in heaven 27 days before her 80th birthday.

oh, i know i'll have many more moments of sadness and many tears will be shed because it's so hard to lose your mother. but i KNOW i will see her again someday and that keeps me grounded, keeps me moving forward, keeps me focused on the ministry here in cebu that she helped start with my dad. i know she would want me to pick up the baton, continue the work that she did with such efficiency and excellence, and run the race until it's my turn for the Lord to call me home.

Mom in Narnian Glory

January 29, 2010

my mom, Dr Marge Alcala Isidro, would have turned 80 today. she was so looking forward to having a birthday dinner complete with roasted turkey from the States. while i was in the states last november/ december, she kept reminding me about it. she wanted to make sure i didn't forget... i wasn't able to buy the turkey because we had to rush back after we were told she was in a coma. but, when i arrived back in cebu, i checked her freezer and she already had a turkey in there... maybe she wanted to serve 2 turkeys...! anyway, we probably won't have the turkey until november--for Thanksgiving.

we'll be at the cemetery this morning to celebrate her life and to thank God for giving her to our family for almost 56 years... i'm thankful that she was able to meet 2 of her great-grandchildren. i know she was looking forward to getting to know jonah & jaelyn. she was SO PROUD of her great-grandkids! every time she received pictures of them via email she would print a copy and post them in the EL-TS classroom for all the students to enjoy...! i like to think that she has met great-grandbaby #5 and is enjoying him/her in "Narnian glory."

"Narnian glory" is what my sister said she's written in her calendar for this day... i think my mom would have smiled at that!

thinking back...

wow! i haven't written anything here since the end of may...! there have been times when i wanted to share something, but life and responsibilities here at EL took over and before i knew it, the moment had passed and i just couldn't get back to writing at that point... oh well...

needless to say, A LOT has happened since the end of may 2009. the most significant change is the addition of jaelyn audrey lacanilao to our family. jaelyn was born @ 204pm on friday, august 7, in pomona, CA. she's a beautiful girl and we're looking forward to meeting her in november...!

jaelyn's birth got me thinking back again to when justin was in 6th grade. we had taken him for his yearly check-up with his pediatrician who came back to us with a particular concern. bottom line -- we were told that if justin did not have an operation, there might be a chance that he would not be able to have children when he was older. i remember that one of the thoughts going through my mind at the time was how would justin feel if he found out later on that we had turned our backs on a simple operation that would allow him to bear his own children? i knew that i could not do that to my only son, so we agreed to have the operation.

the operation lasted a little longer than even the doctor anticipated. during that time, of course, i was on edge, second-guessing myself if we had made the right decision for justin; envisioning worse case scenarios...! but, eventually, it was over and the doctor reported to us that the surgery was successful and justin had come through with flying colors. of course, the real test would come much later -- with the birth of justin's first child, keilah naomi. justin started 6th grade a few weeks after the operation. although still recuperating, he ran for student body president and WON, and almost 10 years later, he's a happy father with 2 beautiful daughters...!

i wish i could remember the name of justin's doctor's, so i could thank him for his care and concern for my son all those years ago...

of course, my deepest gratitude goes to God who showed His overwhelming love to us, to justin and eventually to gina, keilah & jaelyn, by giving wisdom to this kaiser doctor to find this irregularity and give justin the ability to have his own children!

medical stuff...

these past 2 months, i was brought face to face with different types of medical situations that i've never had to deal with.

the first was jonah's birth. erin had no idea that jonah would come so quickly once she went into labor, so to find herself almost fully dilated under an hour after arriving at the hospital was unnerving, to say the least. at one point, the nurses and midwife felt that the baby might come before they (and erin) were ready, so the nurse actually went into the birth canal and PUSHED jonah back in!!! i was shocked and erin was in such pain!! i mean, how would YOU feel if that happened to you?!!! and they wouldn't give her ANY pain meds cuz she was fully dilated!! i think erin was angry about that, but she was in too much pain to do anything about it...

then, when it was time for erin to push jonah out, i had to hold one of her legs apart while a nurse took hold of the other leg. that position is not pretty nor comfortable and poor erin had to stay in that position every time a contraction came... good thing, it only took three large pushes to get jonah out, but the whole time, i was aching for my daughter!! she was SO brave, but if i could have given her pain meds, you better bet i would have...!!

our next medical situation occurred a week later. at the same hospital where she gave birth, erin was admitted for a kidney infection. my poor daughter had pain in her lower back, high fever accompanied by terrible chills that shook her body for what seemed like forever!! they hooked her up to an IV with antibiotic to try and bring the infection down. but, she continued to have fever and chills and her white blood cell count continued to stay way above the normal count of 5,000 to 6,000. by mid-week, the doctors decided to do an ultrasound and a sonogram and that's when they discovered the stone that was lodged in her left ureter. surgery was performed to insert a stent and after 5 days in the hospital, erin was FINALLY allowed to return home.

mind you, all this time, she was away from jonah and that was very difficult for her!! growing up, erin was that one child who never told you if she was hurting. we would only know that something had happened to her LONG AFTER the fact. if she was a different type of person, this whole experience might have broken her, but thank God, she is a strong individual -- physically, emotionally and most especially, spiritually. i admire her even more now because of what she's endured and how she's triumphed over these adversities!

long story short... she had one relapse after that hospital stay which required another trip to urgent care, but once the kidney stone was zapped and the stent removed, erin started to feel much better and today is back to normal health! Praise God!!

this was the second time that a medical emergency touched our immediate family. i had always been thankful that none of my kids, dan or i had ever had a medical emergency (except for my C-section). but, that all changed with josiah.

that first big medical situation for us was when josiah was less than a year old and we were on babysitting duty. erin had just left to get ready to go out for her birthday celebration when, all of a sudden, josiah just started convulsing in my arms!! i had NO idea what to do!! he wouldn't stop shaking. of course, i called 911 immediately! Thank God for 911!!! the 911 operator guided me through the initial step of taking off all of josiah's clothes, except for his diaper. while i was doing this, 2 fire trucks, an ambulance, the paramedic and the police rushed into the house and took over. they were at our house in under 5 minutes!!

i felt SO helpless when i saw them pick up josiah and take him into the ambulance!! i had NO idea what had just happened because nothing like that had ever happened to any of my kids...!! josiah was taken to huntington memorial in pasadena. erin and joe had to cancel the birthday celebration. the whole family kept vigil in the waiting lounge for 3 hours while they stabilized josiah. it made me sad to see him hooked up to an IV, but he needed to be hydrated and his temperature needed to be controlled... he was a very brave little boy!!

only later did i find out that this happened to joe several times when he was a baby. josiah's body temp was over 100 and his body was doing what it needed in order to counteract the high fever. that's why he was convulsing! until josiah turns 6, we have to watch him carefully and make sure that he doesn't get too hot. Praise God, josiah has not had an attack for a couple of years now...

another medical scare for us was when gina was told by her doctor that the blood test she took before she left for cebu in march showed that baby #2 has downs syndrome!! first of all, gina's only 23 (24 in july) and older women getting pregnant are more at risk of having a downs syndrome baby than someone in their early 20's. second, the doctor should not have made gina take the blood test TOO early. they insisted on it because she was leaving for cebu and would not be in the states when the test is normally administered. third, when gina re-took the test after returning from cebu, the results that time were negative. of course, we praise God for that, but we could have all been spared the added anxiety.

but, maybe, that was the lesson we needed to learn: to really turn our eyes and our hearts to God and ask for His intervention during the time that we thought the baby had downs syndrome. we prayed for a miracle on the baby's behalf and we also prayed that God would give us His peace in the event that this baby would have down's. we knew that we would love and care for this baby even if she had down's, despite the doctor's recommendation that the pregnancy should be terminated if the results were conclusive. we know that God would never put us in a situation that we wouldn't be able to handle with His help... i know He was pleased with our reaction to this possible situation.

of course, everyone around us are having their own medical scare. just last week, i received word that the wife of one of our seminary graduates had been admitted to a nearby hospital for an aneurysm. i know those can be fatal, so i was very concerned and texted him to tell him we were praying for his wife. a few days after hearing this news, her husband called and provided me with information that scared me even more. apparently, his wife, who was in manila at the time, had "Transient global amnesia." according to one medical site, this is "A temporary loss of all memory, but it particularly affects the ability to form new memories (severe anterograde amnesia), with milder loss of past memories (retrograde amnesia) going back a few hours. It is rare and is most common among older persons with vascular disease." Wikipedia says: "The cause of this syndrome is not clear, hypotheses include transient reduced blood flow, possible seizure or an atypical type of migraine." her transient global amnesia lasted for several days when no one knew where she was until she made an ATM withdrawal...!

another long story short, because of her amnesia, tests were done upon her return to cebu during which they discovered the aneurysm. a procedure called coiling was performed and it was during this procedure that the doctor also discovered that the aneurysm was starting to leak. WOW!! if not for the amnesia, they would have never found the leaking aneurysm... this was truly all GOD!!

so, what's my takeaway from all this? first of all, it's the fact that a medical situation could happen to anyone at anytime. second, if we're taking medication for any medical condition, we should take those meds religiously. more often than not, they will save our lives. third, if God puts us in a medical situation, read up on it and know the whys, whats, the new medical procedures being done, etc. i don't believe i can ever be under-informed about anything, type A personality that i am... fourth, always trust in God's divine plan and will for our lives. that's a comfort that i will always bank on, no matter what the situation!!

for dan...

dan turns 56 today, so it seems appropriate to share something about this man who has been a part of my life since i was 17.

our parents have known each other since before we were both born. but, we didn't personally know each other until i was 17 and a junior @ faith academy. he was 19 and in college and working part-time at FEBC. we became friends through mutual friends, em perez and ali aguarino. that friendship grew into something more and i ended up being his first girlfriend.

it was a very intense and lovely relationship, but it was also a secret from my parents. they did not want any of their children being involved with anyone while we were still in school. my parents at that time were the president of FEBIAS College of Bible and the head of the Christian Education department. they were workaholics, so, every night after dinner, they would head back to their offices and when i thought it was "safe," i would head over to the FEBC compound and hang out with em and ali and anyone else who might be out and wait for dan to come home from school.

during those days following martial law, the gate between FEBC and FEBIAS would close @ 9pm. there were many times that i would find myself having to climb over the fence to make it back home before my parents... a couple of times, the guard would catch me climbing over but when he saw it was the president's daughter, he would just smile and turn the other way...

of course, a secret can never remain a secret for long and my parents found out about dan (through my brother, i think) and there was a "family meeting" during dinner and about what to do with this situation. eventually, my dad gave me the ultimatum: keep the boyfriend and study at FEBIAS or lose the boyfriend and go to the States for college. what a dilemma!! but, my dad knew my heart. he knew that i had been working so hard at Faith and waiting for 4 years to return to the states and study there, so, even though it was hard to let go of love, in the end, it was a no-brainer for me.

by that time also, dan and i had started to drift apart and i was hearing rumors about his extracurricular activities while he was at school in manila. he denied the rumors, but i didn't want to get hurt in case they were true, so i broke off with him.

i graduated from faith in 1974 and left for the states to go on tour with the MADS and study at trinity college in deerfield, IL. after i was already in the states, for some reason, dan started corresponding with me. at that time, he was already in a relationship with a mutual friend of ours, but, it was nice to have him back as a friend. and when i decided to return to the philippines for a visit in december 1979, he was one of the few people that i wanted to see again. maybe it was for closure. maybe it was to make sure that he didn't hate me anymore. but, what i didn't anticipate was the intensity of my feelings for this man after being away for almost 5 years.

during that visit, dan took me out to dinner several times. when i asked about his girlfriend, he told that they were no longer together. i would have NEVER gone out with him if i knew he was still involved with someone else. we had great talks and i felt that we were able to get things from our past resolved. those times together endeared him to me and things ended up moving to the next level and when i left to return to CA, i was already pregnant with ashley.

what i didn't know until i was back in the states was that the girlfriend DID NOT know that she and dan were "on a break." and after she found out that i was pregnant, she called me from manila to tell me to get rid of the baby -- for dan's sake. she even had the gall to tell me that she and dan were getting married (according to dan, he didn't know about these plans) and i shouldn't do anything to complicate their plans. i was livid! how dare she tell me what to do with my life!! if i had been on the fence about what to do with the baby (i wasn't!), that phone call would have definitely made me choose to keep the baby.

i really had no clue where my life would lead after that point. true, i had screwed up badly, but i was not willing to cover up my transgression by having an abortion. that was just NOT in my emotional makeup. my parents eventually came around and forgave me and ashley's birth and presence in our family was one of pure joy! of all the things i'd ever done in my life up to that point, giving ashley to my parents as their first grandchild was THE BEST!

deciding to keep ashley was also what eventually brought dan and i together again. of course, we know that God had planned our marriage from the beginning. but, we had stubbornly decided to do things "our way" and He allowed us to. however, when i look back at the almost 28 years of marriage, through all the ups and downs, it is only through God's love and compassion for us that we are still together after all these years.

could i have married someone else? sure. would he have been the best for me? not sure. of course, i'll never know now, will i?!! seriously, God gave dan to me and i will always be grateful for that. despite what we've been through, i dearly love this man and i'm grateful that he loves me back, despite my shortcomings (and he knows them all!!)...

so, here's a toast to you, daniel m. lacanilao, the love of my life!! may God give you MANY more years to enjoy your wonderful kids and their significant others, your awesome grandkids, me (!), and even more years to serve our God who loves you SO MUCH more than any of us could ever love you!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! LOVE ALWAYS!!

Happy 24th birthday, Erinleigh Lacanilao Baldivia!!

24 years ago today, God blessed us with beautiful Erinleigh!! i still remember being in the hospital, hooked up to a machine that monitored Erin's heartbeat and wondering why the heartbeat would start out strong and then disappear. When Dr Francisco informed me that Erin was in distress and that he suggested an emergency caesarean otherwise we might lose her, I did not hesitate to say "go for it," although i really didn't want to go through an operation.

After getting Dan's approval for the operation, they wheeled me in to the OR and made me curl my body up so they could give me the anesthesia. i remember being surrounded by many interns and hearing Dr Francisco tell me that he did not want to make a long cut, so he asked this HUGE intern to push down on my chest to force Erin out...! i could see all this happening and so could Dan from the adjoining room, but it was really strange NOT to feel it...! when Erin came out, that's when we found out that the umbilical cord was wound so tightly around her neck that, if i had insisted on vaginal delivery, she would have suffocated trying to get out of the birth canal. Dr Francisco saved Erin's life and I will be forever grateful to him for his wisdom in correctly assessing the situation. Dr Francisco is a legend in the Manila medical world who is now enjoying the fruits of his labor for God in heaven...

So, today i rejoice in this beautiful child who is now a beautiful and godly woman -- a precious gift from God who continues to amaze us with her love for others and for God! Happy, happy birthday, wonderful Erinleigh!! May God bless you with MANY more happy and productive years!!